This piece was originally written as a letter to my son, so that he could turn to it in my absence for guidance when he needs it. After contemplating it for a while I decided to post it, as it may be useful to others, and especially in the society we live in today.
This Confusing World
In this fast-moving and ever-changing world
there are many values, beliefs and norms that we can adopt in daily life. These
influence our behaviours and impact upon the world and ourselves. Our
behaviours reinforce the values, beliefs and norms we adopt, and increase their
capacity to influence others in the world. Our behaviours also come to shape
our personalities, how we see ourselves and how others see us. Most of all, our
behaviours become a window into what motivates us, whether we are content with ourselves
or not, and reveal what we expect of others and the world.
It is easy to lose oneself in the values,
beliefs and norms that are imposed on us by conventional society. It is easy to
mimic the behaviours of those around us in the quest for love, success,
happiness and friendship. Yet all too often these result in deep unhappiness
within us, as we struggle to match our inner selves with the conventions
expected of us in daily society. Many people, young and old, rich and poor,
suffer from a sense of inadequacy and incompleteness in modern society, yet are
unable to step off the treadmill and gain clarity on why that is so.
We become so obsessed with chasing fulfilment
and prescribed notions of success that we often do not stop to figure out what
it means to us. Hence we are unable to disentangle ourselves from the myths
that are fed to us about what will fulfil us, and remain chained to
expectations of ourselves that will never yield the peace we desire within
ourselves. This piece deals with a few of these myths, and attempts to simplify
the path towards fulfilment in our lives.
Success
Worldly success can never fulfil you.
Fulfilment comes from being present in every
moment, every action, every gesture, every thought that arises, and every
affection that graces you. Fulfilment does not arise from achievement or
accomplishment. It does not come from ownership. It arises from self-knowledge
and comfort with the self. It arises from being content (note; not happy, as
happiness is transient) with who you are. It comes from being able to see
yourself and your place in the world clearly, and taking action to enable that.
We live in a world that celebrates success in
conventional terms. To be famous, lauded, respected, wealthy, desired, beautiful,
even notorious, is how the notion of conventional success is defined. It is
based on how one appears to others. Yet how one presents to others, is never
the same as how one presents to oneself. It can never be the same. The gap
between the two is always tangible, it can never be breached. Even if one is
multiple within, how multiplicity manifests without can never be mirrored – in
totality and with precision – in the minds of others. That is a fact of the
human condition.
A fulfilled person overflows, has much to give;
is generous without making a show of it. A fulfilled person can serve in the
background of affairs, ensuring that visions come to fruition and achieve their
ends. A fulfilled person is abundant within, with love, ideas, creativity to
match their discontent, futility and despair with the world. They give despite
having full knowledge of the vagaries and pitfalls of the human condition. A
fulfilled person is patient, without greed, and without the compulsion to be
enviable.
There is a class of people, and among them are
many accomplished people who have achieved conventional success. I’ve had the
opportunity to observe them up close. There are many qualities that can be
discerned if you are attentive to their words and actions. The first is
narcissism; as people grow more successful they often gravitate more to the
centre of their own existences. It becomes more difficult for the successful
narcissist to see people as anything other than pawns in their own agendas.
This kind of success is fragile because it always needs more, it is unfulfilled
and there is no end to whom and what it will exploit in the quest for
fulfilment.
The anti-winner is the true success of this
era; one who negotiates the trappings of convention wide-eyed and aware of what
is transpiring in the societal milieu and how it relates to their own
liberation within it. Despite what the Donald Trumps of the world may preach,
and how many people may believe it, that kind of success is a false god; a
desperate attempt to maintain a consistent notion of one’s own superiority over
others; to be envied, enviable. And many are the fools in this society who
embrace such falsehoods. It is their emptiness that draws them to leaders of
that ilk, and to be sure, they are empty. Contrary to the physics of matter,
the mutual emptiness of people serve as a source of attraction, as much as the
fulfilled attract the empty.
Flattery and Adoration
Be very wary of people who flatter you, or hold
you up on a pedestal.
Flattery is not respect. People may flatter
you, but that does not mean they respect you. Flattery is a form of
manipulation, and if you respond to it, you will find yourself being easily and
deftly manipulated by a wily operator. You will become a tool in their hands,
with which they can achieve their own ends. That is why the old adage goes
“flattery will get you everywhere”.
As soon as they do not think they need you
anymore, or you do not meet their expectations, they will attempt to exercise
control over you. Narcissists, in particular, are very adept at this form of
manipulation; they will flatter you in order to get what they want from you,
and when they don’t get what they want (which, in turn, is usually flattery and
adoration) they will chastise you and attempt to make you feel small or
inferior. Don’t fall for it! Once you spot the pattern, just move on. There is
no need to explain yourself, they will only view that as weakness, feign
regret, and attempt to launch another series of manipulations. Move on and
don’t look back, whatever time and effort is lost is lost and you are better
off for it.
People who put you up on a pedestal are not
seeing your qualities in a balanced perspective. They are projecting their
deepest desires upon you, and will come to expect you to fulfil their desires.
They will not help you fulfil yours. As soon as you begin to disappoint them,
by not matching the projection they have imposed on you, they will turn on you.
And be aware that they can turn on you in an extremely vicious manner. Many
leaders and celebrities experience this; they go from “hero to zero” very
quickly in the eyes of the once-adoring public.
Friendship
Not everyone who calls themselves your friend
is your friend.
Many people associate themselves with others
because they need something from them. They may need protection. They may need
company, because they struggle to be alone and in their own company. They may
need social status, and feel that associating with you provides them with it.
True friends are rare. Eventually, you will be able to count them on one hand.
The rest are acquaintances, people who you may know superficially and associate
with, but who do not have your interests at heart. A true friend will always be
truthful with you, even when you may not want them to. They have your interests
at heart because they love you like you are family. It may take a lot of time,
but you will eventually learn the difference between the two.
Love
When someone loves you their ultimate desire is
to see you fulfilled.
They will support you in your endeavours to
fulfil yourself, not just themselves. It is not always easy to discern what is
transpiring when you are in love – in particular – because the emotions
associated with love are so amplified and deep-rooted, especially at the outset
of a relationship when romance takes hold. Everyone who knows love also knows
what it means to have a broken heart. Don’t despair when your heart breaks, it
means your heart is honest and true and is open enough to allow someone else
into it. Don’t close your heart if it is broken, lest you lose that quality
that enables you to fall in love again. Love comes and goes unexpectedly, such
is its nature. You have to keep your heart open in order to receive love again.
You may have to walk away, you may have to not look back, but never close your
heart off; there are people in the world who can share your heart with you.
That much I know to be true.
Anxiety and Existence
To exist means that you will encounter
anxieties.
It is normal to feel anxious about the future,
the past and even the present. There are many practises that can alleviate
anxiety. The best are the natural ones; exercise, meditation, practising
awareness and so forth. The danger in turning to drugs, sex, love and ‘gurus’
in the quest for relief from anxiety is that it breeds addiction. To some
extent, practises such as exercise and meditation can also become addictive, so
the key is to maintain it as a practise, and not become obsessed with it. Do it
without compulsion, and keep it within balance, so that you can enjoy these
activities and the rewards they bring.
Going Within
Don’t be afraid to go within.
There are times when you have to delve deep
within yourself, your emotions and your thoughts in order to disentangle a mess
that may have established itself without you noticing. Don’t be too hard on
yourself, it will only make it more difficult to work through. Accept that you
are flawed, that you are human, and that despite your misgivings you deserve to
be loved and can love yourself regardless. By doing so, it will make you more
forgiving of those you love in turn, and help you navigate the difficulties
that loving others is bound to impose on you. As the late bard Leonard Cohen
sang, “Love is a broken Hallelujah”, it is not perfection, it can never
complete you, but it can bring wonders into your life if you give it a chance.
Don’t hold on to things obsessively, all
obsessions can only be alleviated by going within and discovering what
fulfilment is lacking within you. So go deep within – without fear, and without
recklessness – and when you emerge, pull yourself into the present and
appreciate what is there to be appreciated. You cannot undo the past, you can
only learn from it – and you cannot ensure the future, you can only shape it as
you move into it. Where you are now, is where you can make your fulfilment, if
you listen closely to what lies within you.
Freeing Yourself of
the World
Practise freeing yourself of worldly
attachments.
Practise sitting quietly with your feelings
rather than trying to outrun them. Go against the grain when your intuition
nags at you to do so. Appreciate those who love you, and make an effort to let
them know you care. Be amongst people, but spend time with yourself when you
can. It builds character and presence to be comfortable in your own skin, and
to be at peace with the decisions you’ve made. All decisions require sacrifice
of something or another, so be careful and attentive to what you may lose by
proceeding on a prescribed treadmill. Lastly, while happiness is fleeting, so
is unhappiness, learn to let go of both.
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